i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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