i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
