im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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