I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
