I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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