Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
