Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
