My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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