if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
