2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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