Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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