I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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