DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
