listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
