I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
