go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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