I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
