God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
