You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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