I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
