just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
