i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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