maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Randomize
