i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I currently don't understand fingers.
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