I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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