oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
