just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
