Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
