Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
