did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
