Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
