yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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