final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
