it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
