I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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