can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
