I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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