Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I intend to get homeless drunk
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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