I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
