I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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