conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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