I just pynch a tree in the face
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
