somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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