his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
