I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
