lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
