Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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