I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
