I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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