I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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