Cold hands, warm shart.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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